Where do I begin?
Move to the edge of your comfort zone and take one step forward.
In the ancient tale of two wolves, the one filled with light embodies courage, growth, and kindness, while the one filled with shadows represents fear, stagnation, and negativity. We each face internal struggles between these wolves and ultimately come to a fork in the road. We can start down a new path that will be much harder at first and will guide us out of the cycle that has been holding us back, or we can once again walk the familiar path that will eventually lead us back to where we always seem to end up. Will you intentionally open up to change, relinquish control, and step out of your comfort zone into the unknown? Will you choose to nourish your light or shadows?
Dear Fledging Friends,
Anywhere. That’s where you begin. Something brought you to Finally Fledging to nudge you toward making changes for your future self. There’s no right way to start this journey, and [spoiler alert] it never truly ends. It does get easier. Today, I challenge you to identify one change that calls to you most, set a goal to meet a small piece of that change in one week, and choose one method that suits you to accomplish this. I’ll come back to this goal challenge.
As I saved this post as a draft and shut my laptop for good last night, I was pondering what experience I could write about to get vulnerable and share a moment of growth I had in relation to the resources I am introducing to my fledging friends today. I don’t recall much about the first time I listened to the podcast 6 months ago [see link below], but it taught me about a key technique for emotional regulation that I continue to benefit from daily. In this moment, my head was swimming with excitement and a little exhausted from the emotions resurfacing while I create my first post. I found my 8-year-old daughter, who was turning off her tablet because our smart device had just announced “It is time to play without electronics.” This is the start of my daughter’s bedtime routine, and I could see she was frustrated about ending her electronics time for the night. I attempted to console her, and she fell to the floor in a heap. I know by now the best thing in this moment is to be physically present for her while keeping my thoughts to myself. Naturally, I decided to continue pondering which story to tell you while I gave her a moment to sit with her feelings. What if I tell them about a time I taught a friend to . . . “I need to scream into my pillow” says my daughter, in a serious and collected tone, as she looks up at me. What a powerful moment. My mind lurched back to her bedroom and I simply replied with encouragement, “You should do that. You can be as loud as you want, because I’m getting in the shower.”
After a short time in the shower, I felt my muscles soften, my nerves calm down, and I could simply focus on my breathing. My nervous system was regulating itself, and I laughed out loud at the serendipitous situation that just occurred. My daughter understood how she needed to complete the stress cycle while I was focused on being productive. You may not know any more about the phrase “completing the stress cycle” than she does, but she has me for a mom. I have been teaching her how to tune into which emotions she is experiencing and recognize what actions she needs to take at different times. Simultaneously, she has witnessed my journey of intentionally doing various activities to regulate my emotions. I am glowing with pride and love for having been part of my young bird’s moment of fledging. She will still need guidance and encouragement for a while, but she has developed the skills to innately know what to do to regulate her emotions based on her body’s needs in that moment. This is why I am beginning Finally Fledging. I want to share resources and tools that have helped me develop the skills I need to feed my wolf filled with light while giving my wolf filled with shadows the attention it needs.
Last night, we each needed to complete the stress cycle in different ways. Sometimes I scream in my car to release anger, and at other times I need to soak in a hot bath with the jets on. Have you ever used the fuel from your feelings to create something to give to the world? Writing song lyrics, crocheting a shawl, and painting all help you complete the stress cycle by transferring the energy of your emotions into art for others to enjoy. When I reconnected with my daughter after my regulating shower last night, she was putting the finishing touches on this drawing of a dragon. I think it’s a powerful expression of how she felt on the floor of her room.
I encourage you to discover more about the secrets to unlocking the stress cycle by the researchers who introduced it: Emily Nagoski, PhD & Amelia Nagoski, DMA. The links below will take you to a short article, the podcast I referenced above which is hosted by Brene Brown, or their website with links to their book, videobook, and workbook. Choose the one that calls to your learning style and fits the time you are able to commit.
If you do not have the time or ability to go beyond my post, then I give you this: Move your body. We need physical activity everyday, and it does not need to be exhausting or take a long time. The mental and physical health benefits of moving your body everyday begin immediately and it cascades over time. For a month last year, I took a 30 minute walk along the same route everyday. At the time, I needed to reduce my daily decision making as much as possible. Dancing in your living room is amazing and incorporates playfulness.
Join me in a grounding exercise to create a snapshot of this moment
Take a big breath in and let a big breath out.
Where are you? Look to your left, what do you see?
Take a big breath in and let a big breath out.
What are you touching? Feel the surface supporting you. Is it cold, warm, soft, or hard?
Take a big breath in and let a big breath out.
Tune into any sounds around you. If it is safe to do so, close your eyes for a few seconds. What do you hear? Your own breath, running water, silence, chatter, or the humming of electronics?
Take a big breath in and let a big breath out.
Can you smell something? Crisp air, a peculiar stench, or food cooking? Alternatively, do you have a stuffy nose or can’t smell anything right now?
Take a big breath in and let a big breath out.
What do you taste? The last thing you ate, minty freshness, or tangy saliva?
Take a big breath in and let a big breath out.
Speak up. Tell yourself, “This is my time.” If you have been hard on yourself lately, repeat until you say it gently. If you have recently been choosing comfort and ease, repeat until it comes out more powerful.
Bonus: Make eye contact with yourself by looking into a mirror, forward facing camera, or reflection. Alternatively, look into the eyes of the wolf pictured above. Now say it again, “This is my time.”
My responses to the grounding exercise: To my left I see a piano, a basket of blankets, and four colorful foam blocks. The surface supporting me is warm and soft. I hear a fire crackling, music by Mozart, and a dog barking in the distance. I smell my own essence, which is currently a combination of natural pheromones, hair products, and lingering sweaty odor. I taste the bubble gum I’m chewing.
How will you show up for yourself this week? Give your commitment some extra weight by writing it down on paper, typing it up in a note, or posting on the #finallyfledging social media account. Then, set a reminder for one week from today to check-in with yourself. There is no specific indicator of where you need to be. I like to strive for “Better than Before” and celebrate even the slightest win! If you feel worse in a week, I encourage you to seek support from healthy individuals in your community or a qualified professional within your budget, communicating either face-to-face or virtually.
With warm support, Dr. B
The Tale of Two Wolves is a traditional Native American parable with roots in indigenous wisdom. Shared across generations, it symbolizes the internal conflict between positive and negative forces within the human spirit. This narrative is a reinterpretation inspired by the cultural richness of the original story.